Sunday, October 07, 2007
Friendship and Authority
Friendship is an interesting concept that I have started to examine more closely, not just since taking this class, but since I moved to Boston and made a predominately international friend-base. Every day I spend eight hours with hundreds of ESL students from all over the world. Because my work requires me to not only interact superficially, but teach, mentor, befriend, advise and occasionally even exert authority over them, I have found that my idea of what friendship means is not the same for all cultures.
In the beginning I wanted everyone to like me. I tried hard to develop relationships outside of school and treat my students as my friends and equals. I did this not just because I wanted to be liked, but also because I wanted my students see me as a confidant and feel like they could trust me with their joys and happiness as well as their frustrations and problems. While I still try to do that, I realize that sometimes the meaning of friendship translates into a different meaning than I intended, and they have new expectations of me---as their friend.
For example, a became good friends with an older student named Talgat from Kazakhstan earlier this year. For a month, while I was between houses, I even rented a room in his house, living with his four roommates, also from Kazakhstan. I got to know him and the other roommates very well, and before long I was treated as a part of "the family." Although only a few of them were related in the American sense of the word (as in blood/marriage relations) we all called each other "cousin" or "older/younger sister."
Those ties are much deeper than I ever imagined. Even though I moved out over four months ago, I'm still in contact with everyone from the house, and Talgat regularly calls me to hang out. Last month when Talgat came to the office to clarify a school policy on concurrent enrollment, I had to tell Talgat that his case was a special situation and I would have to check with my supervisor before I could confirm what he was asking. I wasn't sure if he could get excused for another 3 hours of self-study every week because he was taking extra credits at an outside university. Before he left he said he wanted me to assure him that, "Everything would be alright."
Because the school policy said nothing about his special situation I had to tell him that I would be sure to ask my supervisor about his case and get back to him about the extra hours as soon as possible. He obviously didn't like that answer as he kept standing in front of my desk, waiting for me to tell him what he wanted to hear. It was so difficult to tell him that based on what WAS written in the student handbook what he was asking for made sense, I just didn't have the authority to confirm it immediately. He thought I was being very disagreeable and trying to make his life difficult. I thought he was being too insistent and asking me to overstep my own authority. How could I promise something I couldn't promise?
I did email my supervisor the same day and asked about Talgat's situation. Unfortunately, or fortunately, depending on how you look at it, my boss confirmed that the school policy did not allow for Talgat to take fewer hours of self-study. It's unfortunate that we couldn't give him what he was asking for, but thank goodness I hadn't assured him "everything would be alright."
That night Talgat called me and we had a 2-hour conversation on what happened in the office. I tried with all my might to see what happened from his point of view, and also spent a significant amount of time trying to justify to him why I had done what I had. In the end, I could see it through his eyes: Because of our friendship I was his advocate at the school and would somehow be able to "work everything out" under the table. In a large-power distance country such as Kazakhstan, a friend will do favors for a friend, and he really wasn't asking for much. From my point of view, I simply didn't have the authority to give him what he wanted, and of course, would do my best to convince my supervisor that he deserved this credit, but could not guarantee it.
In the end I had to give a comparative example of what I thought happened that day. I asked him if he ever had a job where he couldn't make all the decisions, but had a supervisor to answer to. I said if he were working in a bank and, as a customer, I came to him with a request, a lower interest rate on a particular loan or something, and he didn't have the authority to give it to me, but I kept insisting that he should, what would he do? Would he promise something he shouldn't be promising simply because I needed to hear the words, "Everything will be alright," before I left the bank? If his supervisor denied his request, what would that mean for our relationship?
He did manage to forgive me, although our relationship was a little tense the next week or so. I'm not sure if he just decided to let it go, or if he ever really did understand my position. I would like to think both of us came away from that experience understanding the other's culture better than before.
This experience has helped me make connections with other students, including some of the other men from that region of the world who probably share similar views on friendships. The Turkish students I have befriended now expect me to close my eyes when they are falling out of status, but NOT ignoring them is an essential part of my job and (the American in me says) I have to be fair and equal with all students.
Being a friend and a school authority can be extremely awkward. Let's say that I have learned my lesson, and have started putting a little distance between myself and my students. I'm finding a balance between friend and authority, and even adjusting my behaviors (still friendly, but distant) with students when I suspect there could be confusion.
In the beginning I wanted everyone to like me. I tried hard to develop relationships outside of school and treat my students as my friends and equals. I did this not just because I wanted to be liked, but also because I wanted my students see me as a confidant and feel like they could trust me with their joys and happiness as well as their frustrations and problems. While I still try to do that, I realize that sometimes the meaning of friendship translates into a different meaning than I intended, and they have new expectations of me---as their friend.
For example, a became good friends with an older student named Talgat from Kazakhstan earlier this year. For a month, while I was between houses, I even rented a room in his house, living with his four roommates, also from Kazakhstan. I got to know him and the other roommates very well, and before long I was treated as a part of "the family." Although only a few of them were related in the American sense of the word (as in blood/marriage relations) we all called each other "cousin" or "older/younger sister."
Those ties are much deeper than I ever imagined. Even though I moved out over four months ago, I'm still in contact with everyone from the house, and Talgat regularly calls me to hang out. Last month when Talgat came to the office to clarify a school policy on concurrent enrollment, I had to tell Talgat that his case was a special situation and I would have to check with my supervisor before I could confirm what he was asking. I wasn't sure if he could get excused for another 3 hours of self-study every week because he was taking extra credits at an outside university. Before he left he said he wanted me to assure him that, "Everything would be alright."
Because the school policy said nothing about his special situation I had to tell him that I would be sure to ask my supervisor about his case and get back to him about the extra hours as soon as possible. He obviously didn't like that answer as he kept standing in front of my desk, waiting for me to tell him what he wanted to hear. It was so difficult to tell him that based on what WAS written in the student handbook what he was asking for made sense, I just didn't have the authority to confirm it immediately. He thought I was being very disagreeable and trying to make his life difficult. I thought he was being too insistent and asking me to overstep my own authority. How could I promise something I couldn't promise?
I did email my supervisor the same day and asked about Talgat's situation. Unfortunately, or fortunately, depending on how you look at it, my boss confirmed that the school policy did not allow for Talgat to take fewer hours of self-study. It's unfortunate that we couldn't give him what he was asking for, but thank goodness I hadn't assured him "everything would be alright."
That night Talgat called me and we had a 2-hour conversation on what happened in the office. I tried with all my might to see what happened from his point of view, and also spent a significant amount of time trying to justify to him why I had done what I had. In the end, I could see it through his eyes: Because of our friendship I was his advocate at the school and would somehow be able to "work everything out" under the table. In a large-power distance country such as Kazakhstan, a friend will do favors for a friend, and he really wasn't asking for much. From my point of view, I simply didn't have the authority to give him what he wanted, and of course, would do my best to convince my supervisor that he deserved this credit, but could not guarantee it.
In the end I had to give a comparative example of what I thought happened that day. I asked him if he ever had a job where he couldn't make all the decisions, but had a supervisor to answer to. I said if he were working in a bank and, as a customer, I came to him with a request, a lower interest rate on a particular loan or something, and he didn't have the authority to give it to me, but I kept insisting that he should, what would he do? Would he promise something he shouldn't be promising simply because I needed to hear the words, "Everything will be alright," before I left the bank? If his supervisor denied his request, what would that mean for our relationship?
He did manage to forgive me, although our relationship was a little tense the next week or so. I'm not sure if he just decided to let it go, or if he ever really did understand my position. I would like to think both of us came away from that experience understanding the other's culture better than before.
This experience has helped me make connections with other students, including some of the other men from that region of the world who probably share similar views on friendships. The Turkish students I have befriended now expect me to close my eyes when they are falling out of status, but NOT ignoring them is an essential part of my job and (the American in me says) I have to be fair and equal with all students.
Being a friend and a school authority can be extremely awkward. Let's say that I have learned my lesson, and have started putting a little distance between myself and my students. I'm finding a balance between friend and authority, and even adjusting my behaviors (still friendly, but distant) with students when I suspect there could be confusion.
