Thursday, August 30, 2007
Early Morning Thoughts
When I don't go to bed late then I can wake up early. This morning I woke up at 6 a.m. because my roommate's alarm went off, but she didn't stay here last night so I had to go turn it off for her. I'm not bothered. Being awake before everyone else, when the world is still quiet is very nice.
I've been thinking a lot about Erdem... pretty much every day since we broke up. I've gotten lots of break up advice--everyone has an opinion! So many people tell me to forget about him, then so many people tell me to just be patient and wait for him to come back, and one friend (just 1!) says that I should find some excuse to talk to him and try to fix things myself. Ironically, that one friend is sorta my psychic.
Yeah, I have a psychic. I gave her Erdem's picture and she went and meditated on him. She noticed he has a liver problem, and it's probably true. He doesn't look healthy, anyway. I had one question for her: Did he love me? I asked, "Did he?" rather than "Does he?" because it's more important to me to know that what we HAD was as real for him as it was for me. IF there is still something there, and IF we are supposed to be together, then I believe somehow we will find each other again.
I think for the first few weeks (my psychic friend says exactly 21 days) we will both think of each other and want to get back together, but I say it's still not necessarily sensible to do so. The answer to my Did he love me? question, by the way, was, "Yes, yes, yes, and he still loves you." It felt good to hear that--yeah, I was beaming, but I have to think seriously about this...
This is what I say: Lonliness doesn't solve our prolems, we just forget about them temporarily. Things go back to normal, and the same problems resurface, right? Twenty-one days is nearing and it's true, I'm starting to think less about the prospect of us getting back together. It's just a coping method for the hard times in the beginning.
I want to be able to move on.
Yesterday a student told me that a her friend, who came as a prospective student the day before and had received information from me, was flirting with me. (I sorta knew it already, but it's good to have confirmation from someone unbiased!) He's a musicial minister at a Brazilian church and has already studied at Berkeley College of Music. Handsome, mature (I thik he's 32) and everyone agreed he was so sweet and sincere. I thought, "If I could choose to spend 20 minutes in a room with him or Erdem, who would I choose?" Finally, I think I would choose the other guy!!!
I have to say it: being alone with Erdem would be great. I'd love to talk about everything face to face in a private place---then hug and hold and kiss him, but then what? Where does it get me? I'm afraid that's not really moving me forward. They are just steps back into an old relationship that wasn't working. I'd rather move forward and meet someone new and interesting. Someone with unknown potential!!
Ah... time's healing power!
I've been thinking a lot about Erdem... pretty much every day since we broke up. I've gotten lots of break up advice--everyone has an opinion! So many people tell me to forget about him, then so many people tell me to just be patient and wait for him to come back, and one friend (just 1!) says that I should find some excuse to talk to him and try to fix things myself. Ironically, that one friend is sorta my psychic.
Yeah, I have a psychic. I gave her Erdem's picture and she went and meditated on him. She noticed he has a liver problem, and it's probably true. He doesn't look healthy, anyway. I had one question for her: Did he love me? I asked, "Did he?" rather than "Does he?" because it's more important to me to know that what we HAD was as real for him as it was for me. IF there is still something there, and IF we are supposed to be together, then I believe somehow we will find each other again.
I think for the first few weeks (my psychic friend says exactly 21 days) we will both think of each other and want to get back together, but I say it's still not necessarily sensible to do so. The answer to my Did he love me? question, by the way, was, "Yes, yes, yes, and he still loves you." It felt good to hear that--yeah, I was beaming, but I have to think seriously about this...
This is what I say: Lonliness doesn't solve our prolems, we just forget about them temporarily. Things go back to normal, and the same problems resurface, right? Twenty-one days is nearing and it's true, I'm starting to think less about the prospect of us getting back together. It's just a coping method for the hard times in the beginning.
I want to be able to move on.
Yesterday a student told me that a her friend, who came as a prospective student the day before and had received information from me, was flirting with me. (I sorta knew it already, but it's good to have confirmation from someone unbiased!) He's a musicial minister at a Brazilian church and has already studied at Berkeley College of Music. Handsome, mature (I thik he's 32) and everyone agreed he was so sweet and sincere. I thought, "If I could choose to spend 20 minutes in a room with him or Erdem, who would I choose?" Finally, I think I would choose the other guy!!!
I have to say it: being alone with Erdem would be great. I'd love to talk about everything face to face in a private place---then hug and hold and kiss him, but then what? Where does it get me? I'm afraid that's not really moving me forward. They are just steps back into an old relationship that wasn't working. I'd rather move forward and meet someone new and interesting. Someone with unknown potential!!
Ah... time's healing power!
Tuesday, August 28, 2007
Appetite
For the first time in over two weeks, this morning I woke up and wanted to eat. Things are beginning to turn around for me.
Let's see, two weeks and two days ago I broke up with Erdem, but was devestated because I love him so much. It was just one of those things that had to happen. The next day my house was broken into and my MacBook stolen, and my friend DT's flatscreen monitor was taken, too. Then I had someone attempt to scam me online (although I was smart enough not to fall for it)! Then at school I had the very hard job of telling several students that they were not eligible to stay in the United States because they weren't studying hard enough or coming to school often enough. Despite my giving them probational periods and second chances they were all mad at me, staying I was not flexible and that no one likes me because Approach has been too strict since I arrived. It felt like at every corner I was having trouble. I wanted to hide under the table at work, then cry into my pillow all night.
But, I'm much better now. I'm dealing day-by-day with all the changes in my life. Certainly the absence of Erdem is the saddest, but in the long run the lack of my computer will be the hardest. But only because of the financial burden of replacing it.
I have so much to be grateful for. We have a wonderful new roommate. Remember Musa from the pictures? He took up the couch for a week while we prepared his room, and now he is staying in our sunroom. We've all so enjoyed having another roommate, and we all get along so well. He has brought his laptop with him, so we often spend the evenings huddled around the couch asking, "Can I check my email yet?" Jennifer, Musa nad I especially have become very close. It's like God put us together when all needed each other most.
My motto shortly after I was robbed was: Anybody can steal my stuff, but nobody can take away my happiness! I've tried hard to live by that. I'm still the same bouncy, happy person most of the day, and when I get down I have good friends to pick me up again.
Again, not much time as I have to get ready for work.
I'll try to write again soon, but computer access is continually a problem. Anybody have any donations for the "Sierra Needs a New Computer Fund?"
Let's see, two weeks and two days ago I broke up with Erdem, but was devestated because I love him so much. It was just one of those things that had to happen. The next day my house was broken into and my MacBook stolen, and my friend DT's flatscreen monitor was taken, too. Then I had someone attempt to scam me online (although I was smart enough not to fall for it)! Then at school I had the very hard job of telling several students that they were not eligible to stay in the United States because they weren't studying hard enough or coming to school often enough. Despite my giving them probational periods and second chances they were all mad at me, staying I was not flexible and that no one likes me because Approach has been too strict since I arrived. It felt like at every corner I was having trouble. I wanted to hide under the table at work, then cry into my pillow all night.
But, I'm much better now. I'm dealing day-by-day with all the changes in my life. Certainly the absence of Erdem is the saddest, but in the long run the lack of my computer will be the hardest. But only because of the financial burden of replacing it.
I have so much to be grateful for. We have a wonderful new roommate. Remember Musa from the pictures? He took up the couch for a week while we prepared his room, and now he is staying in our sunroom. We've all so enjoyed having another roommate, and we all get along so well. He has brought his laptop with him, so we often spend the evenings huddled around the couch asking, "Can I check my email yet?" Jennifer, Musa nad I especially have become very close. It's like God put us together when all needed each other most.
My motto shortly after I was robbed was: Anybody can steal my stuff, but nobody can take away my happiness! I've tried hard to live by that. I'm still the same bouncy, happy person most of the day, and when I get down I have good friends to pick me up again.
Again, not much time as I have to get ready for work.
I'll try to write again soon, but computer access is continually a problem. Anybody have any donations for the "Sierra Needs a New Computer Fund?"
